We Are the Champions (of state capture)

Will the Gupta woes never cease? Saxonwold house prices devalued by the presence of an illegal shebeen, Thuli Madonsela’s State Capture report made public and now, exclusive to Cardboard Box, the one secret above all others they strove to protect – their true rock star parentage.

The brothers are the children of the divine Eartha Kitt and Queen’s legendary front-man Freddie Mercury. The couple met when Kitt toured England in the mid-60s: he was 17, she was 36, but despite their differences they were drawn to each other and, after a short affair, were secretly married at Gretna Green, by Peter Sellars disguised as an Elvis Impersonator.

This is the first known appearance of an  Elvis impersonator, according to the secret archive of the Guinness Book of World Records.

Although Mercury was ‘a confirmed bachelor’, he was entranced by Kitt’s husky voice, her fabulous frocks, and her flamboyant style: their marriage lasted 13 years and while there were rumours, it remained secret. They had three sons who, with much heartbreak, Mercury arranged to be adopted by family friends in Uttar Pradesh, India.

Kitt and Mercury are dead and it seemed the truth would never be known – until the release of Madonsela’s report on State Capture on Wednesday, November 2nd. Emboldened by this, a certain Broken Down Old Hack has had the courage to reveal an astounding secret which proves the Gupta’s parentage conclusively.

A few months ago the Old Hack was in Dubai representing South Africa at an International Conference on Three Legged Mountain Tortoise Racing: when the conference ended, Hack and fellow racing enthusiasts hit Old Town Dubai on a pub crawl.

It was after midnight when they landed up at an obscure karaoke bar: as a teetotaler, the Old Hack was the only sober member of his party, and the only one to notice when three men took to the stage wearing feather boas, and vamped their way through Eartha Kitt’s “I’m just an Old Fashioned Girl”.

“Honestly man, if I closed my eyes I would have thought it was Eartha singing – well, three Earthas really seeing as there were three of them. When I put on my specs for a better view I nearly grabbed my mate’s brandy and coke and drank it I was so surprised: it was Ajay, Atul and Tony Gupta up there!”

Hack described how at the end of the set he went to introduce himself. “Ja, they were very chuffed by the compliments and we were chatting about tortoise racing syndicates and the cost up keeping a private airline, when I mentioned I was from South Africa.Man, it was like a shutter came down.

From talking in broad South African accents they switched to the voice Peter Sellars used in The Party [one of Sellars’ seminal roles, and a film made at much the same time as he married Kitt and Mercury] , telling me they were from India and couldn’t speak English”

Hack went back to his party, but that was not the end of it. Later the Gupta brothers returned to the stage, bare chested this time, wearing tight leather pants, with pancake make-up and their gelled hair brushed back off their faces. “They sung We are the Champions and honestly – in every way – they were dead-ringers for Freddy Mercury!”

He whipped out his Samsung Galaxy 7 to record the scene, but before he could set it to video, he was grabbed by sinister men in black suits, and ignominiously ejected from the bar.

Once he was back in South Africa, Hack did some digging and was bowled over by what he found. “Look at Freddie Mercury without make-up and before he lost weight and I’m telling you, it’s like the Gupta boys are his clones!”

A fervent believer in press freedom, Hack contacted The Sun and You Magazine, prepared to sell the story to the highest bidder – provided his real identity was protected – but once again the sinister men in black suits made an appearance. He was unconcerned by threats to himself, but he backed down immediately when they threatened to harm Speedy, his beloved three legged racing tortoise.

“They said they’d paint his shell pink and write gay slurs on it. I couldn’t risk that happening to the little guy, he’s very sensitive, so I agreed to bury the story. The release of the report made me think though, so I phoned Thuli Madonsela: Speedy is now in protective custody at her place, and I am free to tell the truth!”

There you have it – and remember you read it here first.

On a personal note, I want to say a big Sucks Boo to the people who didn’t want me as a content provider for their Click Bait – who’s sorry now, eh? – and to raise a metaphorical eyebrow to Hilary who thought the only hot revelations I could post would concern the sex lives of my cats. They’re neutered, silly!

None of the above is true, obvs. Except for the bit about my cats. They are neutered.  




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