Apocalypse now-now

Dire prognostications and eschatological signs [different from scatological but either way we are in deep doo-doo] were abundant yesterday as an unexpected storm of Biblical proportions hit Johannesburg.

So Biblical in fact one couldn’t help thinking of the Book of Revelations and the terrifying events foreshadowing the Apocalypse, including the Rise of the Anti-Christ. Since South Africans are still reeling with shock after the surprise result of the American election, Donald Trump was the first person to spring to mind.

Interpretations differ of course, and many internet sites make a convincing argument for Hillary Clinton being the Whore of Babylon – including my personal favourite, the ever-reliable Landover Baptist Church [a big thanks to Chris Deeks for introducing me to the wonderful world of Landover] – but the Great Sex Worker [let’s be PC, please] could just as easily be The Donald in drag.

Not everyone is as convinced of Trumps’s unassailable virtue as he is himself, and you have to wonder: Don elected president of the most powerful nation in the world on Tuesday; Johannesburg hit by an epic storm on Wednesday – coincidence? I think not.

My friend Dianne had flown into the Republic of Rosebank for some duty-free shopping: she hails from the City of Sandton but our leafy lanes contain unique emporiums not to be found in the millionaires milieu of Nelson Mandela Square. I went with her to show off my new purple lipstick and we were on our way home, laden with glitter and shopping bags, when the skies opened.

Hail pelted down like brimstone, cars were washed away, bridges collapsed and people were stranded: somewhere up in heaven, Noah laughed.

But what had this to do with Trump? you may ask. Surely the good Lord was more likely to be offended by my ‘wet look’ ‘glitter glaze’ purple lipstick than by a man with unfortunate hair and a mouth like an anus? Fair point, but a recent perusal of Revelations proved otherwise.

It’s common knowledge that the number of the Beast [who may or may not be the same creature as the Whore of Babylon] is 666: now, using the mystic Kabbalah numerical prophetic system together with the Bible Code, the three words Donald Trump USA have the values 23, 25 and 5, which reduce to 18. Divide 18 by three, the world value, and you get 3 x 6, or 666.

QED, Enuff said, I think.

Given Trump’s attitude to the Middle East in general and the Muslim faith in particular, he might well instigate another war against the Arab World, and where better to fight it than in Israel on the plains of Armageddon?

A literal interpretation of Revelations also indicates that only 144 000 souls will survive the Great Tribulation to praise the Lord in Heaven, together with the prophets and various seven-eyed beasts.

Better get ready washing your clothes in the blood of the lamb or resign yourself to the fact that you will languish with the Catholics, the Jews and every other non-Fundamental Protestant Christian sect until Judgement Day, and maybe even beyond. But enough of the scare tactics.

Storms, the Anti-Christ [possibly the Don or Hillary, depending on your political persuasion] , Lawlessness, lack of faith in God, Sexual Immorality, earthquakes, tidal waves. wars, diseases, credit cards and bar codes, Atheism, War, Disease, Droughts, Floods, unrest in the Middle East and eclipses are all portents of the end of days.

So no need to worry yet. Oh, hang on. Okay Рno need to worry yet, UNTIL we see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, riding white, red, black and pale green horses, signifying Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death. So keep your eyes peeled for those riders and maybe keep a couple of litres of lambs blood in the freezer for just in case.

On the other hand, maybe a storm is just a storm and, to be honest, the Book of Revelations should never be taken literally: it is an account of a vision penned by an exile who was obviously on a cocktail of fine designer drugs.

And it’s raining again: Babylon the Great fell two Millennia ago, the Americans are welcome to Trump, The Brits can relish Brexit while here in South Africa we trust that the Apocalypse is till some way away, and give thanks for another wet evening.

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