Once again Britain’s Prince Harry is in the news, but this time it’s not for Nazi insignia or sexy high jinx: Palace insiders claim Queen Elizabeth has called for a meeting of the Royal family with the Rev Justin Welby [Archbishop of Canterbury] and British PM Theresa May to discuss the latest scandal to rock the House of Windsor.
Not since Princess Margaret wanted to marry divorcé Captain Peter Townsend in 1953 have royal watchers witnessed such a flurry of anxious activity – but why?: Harry’s rumoured relationship with American actress Meghan Markle [who has a black mother] was the only controversy of which the press was aware.
However, Cardboard Box has received an exclusive report from investigative reporter Broken Down Old Hack, our man is Maseru, who can reveal the real reason for this near constitutional crisis – Prince Harry is madly in love with a much older woman, who is not only black but a Catholic nun to boot – one Sister Scholastica Lekhanya.
Harry is renowned for following in the footsteps of his mum Lady Di when it comes to charities and good works: his Sentebale Charity Foundation finances schools and centres catering to the underprivileged youth all over Lesotho.
The Kananelo Centre for the Deaf just outside Maseru is one such institution: Catholic nuns teach deaf children sign language and help them make their way in life. The Centre boasts a large sports field where the Kananelo Pipe Band practice, accompanying the Kananelo Drummies.
The SADEC branch of the Three Legged Tortoise Racing Foundation held a meet in Lesotho recently and hired the Kananelo track for series of races: the Old Hack was there with his champion tortoise Speedy, and Blitz Vinnig, his champ-in-the-making. And it so happened that during the 3L-T meet, Prince Harry came to visit the Centre.
“Races were cancelled for the day so Harry could watch the Pipe Band and the drummies,” the Hack revealed, “so I sommer wandered over to the centre with the other trainers to see this Harry oke arrive. He stepped out of that armoured hummer, saw Sister Scholastica, and that was it – love at first sight. We all knew we had seen history in the making
Look, these people were not naive, they knew Harry’s reputation, so they didn’t let him near any of the novices or postulants in case he tried to naai them. But Sister Scholastica is nearly 40 and her grandfather was a former Prime Minister of Lesotho, so they felt she was perfect to teach him the rudiments of sign language…”
They spent the day together and, the following morning, Prince Harry cancelled his visit to the St Bernadette’s School for the Blind to spend another morning in the company of Sister Scholastica at the Kananelo Centre.
“We all called her Sister Skollie,” the Hack revealed, “and she was a good sport. No Halle Berry mind you, or even Whoopie Goldberg, but she loved tortoises and knew all the best places to find mushrooms and slugs. That day Speedy was sulking and I went to ask her for help, when I heard her and Harry talking.”
The Broken Down Old Hack moved away immediately, like a true gentleman, but the damage had been done and he had overheard their conversation. Harry and Scholastica confessed their mutual love for each other but acknowledged that the difference in their ages and religions were an obstacle.
Harry said he would convert to Catholicism immediately if that’s what was needed but Skollie said she wasn’t sure she wanted to leave the nunnery and besides, her family would demand an enormous lobola for her and she doubted he could afford it.
Harry insisted that if the only way he could be with her was to become a member of the priesthood and live a celibate, austere life, he would welcome it – even to see her from afar as she went about her daily duties would be better than living the playboy life of ‘The Spare’.
If she did renounce her vows and marry him though, he assured her she would not regret it, and he would ‘devote every night’ to showing her what she had ‘been missing’ through her lifetime of celibacy.
Although Scholastica is several years older than Harry, it is not impossible for her to have a child and, since the days of the Tudors, the English Royal line has been clean of the contamination of papacy.
Were Harry to father a child on Sister Scholastica, it would be fifth in line to the throne – and the idea of a black Catholic being Monarch of the United Kingdom is anathema to every right-thinking Briton.
Royal watchers suspect Harry is threatening to marry her anyway, if acceptable to the Catholic Church and the Lekhanyas [the family has agreed to accept a second-hand royal Land Rover in place of 100 cows], and yet he refuses to relinquish his position in the succession.
Hence the hustle and bustle and family emergency at the palace. Apparently the Duchess of Kent, who famously converted to Catholicism [the same faith practiced by her daughter-in-law the infamous Princess Michael] has been asked to intercede by the Queen, the PM and the Archbish.
However, if Prince Harry fails to see reason, the Royal family threatens to bring out the Big Guns. Diana’s affair with her riding instructor James Hewitt is hardly a state secret, and young Hal’s similarities to the rotter have often been remarked upon.
Were Harry proven to be the illegitimate issue of an adulterous affair between Diana Princess of Wales and the cad James Hewitt, he would be ruled out of the succession immediately and cause a massive scandal, damaging and humiliating to both Prince Charles and to the beloved memory of the sainted Diana.
The Princess of Wales, the Royal family and even Hewitt himself all denied anything other than legitimate paternity, despite Harry’s looks. Palace insiders claim though that the heads of state – the Queen and the Upper and Lower Houses – are prepared to reveal state secrets if Harry does not renounce the throne.
The Broken Down Old Hack heard the Queen of England on speaker phone, threatening to reveal the results of ‘Prince’ Harry’s DNA tests to the world if he does not abandon the woman who captured his heart. It’s ’36 all over again! What will it be, Harry, the love of a good woman or the chance of maybe perhaps one day ascending to the throne? Watch this space!